My Life as a COMMA!

Let me start this how I was originally going to title it…

REALIZING….NOBODY can truly give me what I want for my birthday or Christmas!

Sounds a bit selfish…doesn’t it? Well…in a way it is. But I’m always transparent and honest…and today…this is where I’ve been.

You see…my birthday falls right before Christmas. So I get asked all the time…what do you want for your birthday and Christmas? What do you want to do for your birthday? And to me…that is OVERWHELMING! 

I just celebrated my sister last week…not even a full week ago! And yesterday…I celebrated my sweet daughter! I KNOW how crazy this season has become with the shopping, the parties, the wrapping, the cooking, the expectations, the planning, the “trying to see everyone you are supposed to see” and the whole craziness Christmas season has become!! Throw into the mix…a birthday just a few days before…and VOILA!! It seems like it’s just something else to plan, to shop for…to do.

Now…don’t get me wrong! First and foremost…I LOVE CHRISTMAS! It is a very special holiday to me…and I LOVE the true meaning of Christmas! I love celebrating the birth of my Lord and honoring Him. I also love buying for others! I am a gift giver…and love listening to people through the year…and trying to find something special…that shows I love them…I know them…and shows them I care! I also love…even more…giving to those who are truly in need. As a matter of fact…we have done that this year so much more than we ever have! And…what’s even better is that nobody really knows all we’ve done…or even it was us that did it! So…all this to say…..don’t think I have a bad attitude about Christmas…because I don’t….it is truly a treasured time in my family. 

BUT….

All that being said….this morning…I did let myself...”go there”.  Call it a bad attitude….selfish…or whatever…I’m going to share where my mind went…. (be gentle)…

This morning I was alone. My sweet girl was with her friend and enjoying her family…and my boys were volunteering at church. I was left at home to enjoy some quiet time…some “me” time. So as I was enjoying my time….I was singing and praying and thinking…. As I was making my bed…it hit me…. 

People keep asking what I want…. well…

I broke into a sob…really quick. I spoke aloud as I cried…and tried to breathe. These…were my words…through my tears…

“NOBODY can give me what I truly want for my birthday or for Christmas!!! Because I just want my boys …. here with me! I want to hold their newborn babies in the hospital and watch them as they become fathers!!! I want to see them preparing to be Santa for the first or fourth time…and enjoying their families and spoiling them during this time!! I want to see them…to hold them…to touch them again!! I want them to be here to tell their brother and sister they love them and how proud they are of them! I want them to stand together…so I can take a picture of ALL FIVE OF THEM TOGETHER!! To show them how their smiles really ARE alike! I want to hear them say they are proud of me…they are happy I was chosen to be their mom! I want to look forward to my phone ringing…knowing it is one of them on the other line…just calling to chat…and say they love me!! I want to tell them I love them…and hold them…squeeze them…smell them….again!!  

And I want my mom to be here! I want her to see my sweet daughter and see how wonderful she is! I want her to have deep discussions with my son and see how much he has accomplished. I want to hear her say she is proud of me…and of my sister…and she couldn’t have done any of it better herself. I want her to see my nephew and comment on how his height had to of come from her side of the family!! I want her to be on the other end of the phone when I call…for absolutely no reason…but to hear her voice! 

I want so much that I can’t have! I want them…But I still want the ones I have now! I want the pain to be gone…not just from my life…but from those around me I love so very much!!”

I cried hard. I fell to the floor. I yelled it out through my tears! “THIS IS WHAT I WANT! PEOPLE KEEP ASKING….AND THIS IS IT! THIS…..and since I CAN’T have it…it is hard to find something that “will do”. Not that I don’t appreciate others wanting to celebrate or can’t appreciate what they give out of love……but this is where my heart is. 

I usually don’t share this side of me…this part of my suffering…of my journey. But it is real. 

The good thing about it…is in being more real with myself…it allows me to get these feelings out in the open…to not “stuff” them and allow myself to truly FEEL them.. to mourn the loss of my expectations and move into and truly appreciate the reality I have now!

So, as I prayed for God to heal my broken heart..yet again….He showed me this. Don’t title this about me in a selfish way… It’s okay to be real and raw…but instead…learn from it and grow….and challenge others to do the same.

So, when my son asked me to give him an idea of what I wanted…I sent him this…”I don’t want anything…except happiness..promise to help me…promise to keep growing..in every way possible. Have a determined heart and resolve to kick it in gear in school…to take care of yourself…but still let me be a part of your life. Write me a letter… don’t spend your money on me…give me something from your heart.” 

This is what I want…what I need….what I crave. Moments….memories….heartfelt…not store bought. 

So…my challenge to you…is….to go deeper and find out your heart’s desire for this Christmas. Then…don’t just seek to execute it for yourself….but seek to find out other’s heart’s desires…and seek to help them attain theirs! 

I promise…in helping others…you will help yourself. In loving others through it…you, yourself, will have been wrapped in love and helped yourself…”through it”. This holiday…as wonderful as it is…can be so tough on so many. REALIZE you are blessed…no matter where you are! You may not be where you desire…but God desires you to see your purpose right now…right where you are!

God created us in His image…we are here to be the hands and feet of Jesus to others. That is our calling. NO matter where you are or what your situation is right now…He loves you…and He created you with a purpose on your life. There is not just one small purpose…there are many. If you are doubting why you are still here…I promise you friend…there is still a purpose that only YOU were created for. It may seem so simple to you…to do something which may seem so insignificant to you….but to someone else…it might just not only be them seeing the hands and feet of Jesus at work…but the eyes and face of God smiling down on them…THROUGH YOU!! 

My challenge to you is to be real…with yourself and others. Create memories and moments that will always mean something…don’t stress over the “stuff”….Remember who you are…and whose you are…and…that I love you! 

Thank you for challenging me…through this blog…through my life…through your prayers. You have touched my life…even if we have not met. You have shown me a purpose I never believed God would trust me with. I am encouraged by you…equipped by God…and I know…even if I can’t have what I want right now….my eternity will be exactly what I want! Blessings to you this season! ~c