Yes…today would be 28! Today I’d be celebrating your 28th birthday…. I can’t believe it!
But you’re not here….you’re in heaven celebrating with Jesus…and I’m left here.
I’m left here to wonder how we would be celebrating if you were still here. I’m left here to think if I close my eyes…maybe…just maybe…I could imagine you as a man…with whiskers and a strong jawbone….and a family…or still single…and working….but I don’t know where. I’m here….realizing I only had 8 birthdays with you here….and now 20….yes…20 without you.
Just typing that made my head hurt. I don’t think my heart could hurt any more. I’m numb. This go round…this birthday….I’m feeling numb. Numb….because there is so much I don’t know. I just can’t imagine it. As hard as I try…I can’t see you as a man….I didn’t even get to see you as a teenager! I don’t know what field of school and work you would have gone into or chosen. I don’t know what kinds of girls you would have liked…because you never really liked girls while you were here with me! I was still the number one girl in your life! (Which honestly..is ok with me!)
As I went through pictures of you….I realize they are all the same. I mean…when you go back to look at pics…normally you can see progression… you can see how a person has grown. But when I see your pics…all I see is my baby. You never left that stage with me. I see grit and determination in the pics…I see your smile and your silly side in the pics….I see how much you were loved and wanted in the pics….but I don’t see you move past an 8 year old…sweet, smiling boy. I never will.
I wonder….will you still be a child in heaven? Will your new body be older or will you always remain my sweet Caby-baby? Forever 8….. I wonder….could you be any more joyful than when you were here with me? I know you can….but goodness…when I look at your pics…and remember sweet memories with you…there was ALWAYS…silliness and joy! I wonder….are you discussing philosophical things with great thinkers in heaven??? Because you were always light years above the rest of us when you were here!!! I wonder….do you miss me??…..as much as I miss you. Although…I already know the answer to that. In heaven…we are promised no more sorrow…so I’d have to say you don’t miss me….because my missing you brings me great sorrow…and yet joy…all at the same moment. I’m going to choose to believe time where you are isn’t measured the same as it is here. Your time is the blink of an eye compared to mine. You don’t have time to miss me…the same as I have time to miss you! You might just blink…and then I’ll be with you! So, missing you…is what I’ll do until that happens!!! I can’t wait…to celebrate with you…to hold you again….to see that wonderful, silly grin…to hear your voice…and to love you…forever and always….with you…present with you. Because it won’t be much different than missing you here….loving you…forever and always…there…we’ll just get to giggle and love on each other….all while praising God for His goodness and grace.
I thanked Him this morning…as soon as I woke up. I thanked Him…that 28 years ago I woke up expecting…and by that night…I went to bed cradling you in my arms! I thanked Him for the 8 years you were here…physically with me. I don’t like that it was so short…but I do thank Him for the blessed assurance of knowing my eternity will be with you as a part of it! I thanked Him for your smile…for today…that gets me through. I remember your look…that silly grin and cocked head…and the crazy things that would come out of your mouth! Then…I thanked Him for the times you wrapped your arms around me and hugged my neck and told me you loved me…and I told you I loved you! I thanked Him…for you. I thanked Him…for choosing me to have this hard part of my life. For…if you hadn’t been in it for 8 years…I wouldn’t have known the joy you had to teach me. I’d rather have the past 20 years without you in them….than have had my whole life….never knowing you as my son. I thank Him…for picking me…to be your mom. I could never have known how wonderful 8 short years…could make my life!
You completed me…when I thought I couldn’t be complete. Thanks sweet boy. And Happy Heavenly Birthday! Tonight…I’ll go to bed…expecting…to one day wake up…and hold you again.
All my love…sweet Caby-baby…momma!
My Life as a COMMA! 
I’ll always remember him as a sweet, smiling kindergartner. He was such a precious little boy. I have a nephew who reminds me a lot of Caleb, so I think of him often. Praying for your hurting heart.