My Life as a COMMA!

Transparency time…again.

I know….I’m the one that says when something happens…we need to not delve into what the person was thinking when they did something destructive….because we don’t ever want to be able to think like them…. And I still truly believe that.

BUT…..

Today…my mind went there. And it wasn’t good.

You see, today…my sister was in town! I love it when we are together. We don’t get much of that time…so we enjoy it when it happens! But..our dad wanted us to come to his house because he just returned from a trip. He had taken my grandmother’s ashes back to Connecticut to be buried next to my grandfather. He had driven….and upon his return…he brought back some things that had belonged to my grandfather…and my great-grandfather.

These “things”….were guns. 

Now….let me tell you that I think old guns are really cool. I love the look…the history….a lot about them. These each had some history with them. There were six…and my dad was keeping two of them. My sister and I were to choose two each…to take to our perspective families. 

As we sat in his living room…with these six guns…..I started to get nauseous. These are some of those moments…where on the outside…I look and seem fine.  But truly…on the inside….I’m all messed up! 

I sat there…and when it came time for me to not just look…but to actually pick them up…touch them…and hold them….the nausea got worse. Inside my mind….became a battle field. The battle was between me listening and being a part of the conversation going on between my dad, my sister and myself (basically…being “present” in the moment) and me listening to the conversation of questions going on inside of my own head. 

I could hear every word my sister and dad were saying. I could even keep up with the conversation. But in reality…I was very much also inside my head. I had to step away for a minute. I chose my “two”…and then we had lunch. 

A short time later…I had to leave for work…and in that 20 minute car ride…..I cried. I felt like I was having an out of body experience….almost like an anxiety attack. But at the same time…I was perfectly ok. 

My two worlds collided…again.

Here is where my mind went….

Was it a 22 or a 20 gauge he used? I honestly don’t remember.

 How was he able to look down the barrel of that gun and take the lives he had helped create?

Why…did he shoot one of them more times than the others?

Did he regret it? After he killed one? Or the second? Or the third child?

Did he hesitate? The first…second….third….fourth…or any subsequent time he pulled the trigger?

Did he feel anything while he was doing all of this?

Why did he want to hurt me…so badly? 

WHAT.WAS.HE.THINKING????

You see….I can’t look at…see one….or pick up a gun….where those thoughts don’t enter my mind! It’s a mental trigger for me. Movies, tv shoes…can be just fine sometimes….but other times…the internal struggle is real. The thoughts that go through my mind are horrendously difficult. And if you are with me when this happens…you will probably never be able to tell!! 

I’ve come to the conclusion…again… That…

I.WILL.NEVER.UNDERSTAND………AND….I have to be okay with that. I have to trust the sovereignty of my God. As I was driving….crying…and muddling through all these thoughts…the song….”The One Who Holds the Stars” was playing. I stopped to listen. Then I began to worship. If He…who holds the stars in place…who tells the sun when to rise and set…the one who does all the “big”…can do that….then certainly…He can hold me…my heart. He holds my yesterday…my today…and my tomorrow.

Actually….may I share a bit more? A sweet friend just shared an article she found about my story. It was on a page I’m not aware of…and it answered my curiousity on why my blog was being read so much lately. It showed me He is still working….through my story…through my sweet boys and my family….even when I’m completely unaware. It came at just the perfect time!

You see….He doesn’t need me…to complete His purpose. But I need HIM….to complete mine! 

So…again…I’m going to choose to not need to know the answer to my question. I’m going to choose to force my brain into a place that is present with my family now. I’m going to TRUST….that He is walking with me…and I will choose to walk with Him.

So thankful that He is so full of grace and mercy. May I be that way as well. 

Thanks for letting me work my way through…. I pray somewhere….in this rant…you’e realized just how human and real I am. You’ve gained some hope that He is always for you….even when it doesn’t feel like it! I pray that you see that even when the internal battle is hard…your CHOICE…is what it is going to take to win. Don’t sit back and thank you have to stay in the battle….and wait to see what happens. CHOOSE … My friend. CHOOSE. Choose HIM. For He…has already chosen you!

Much love!! ~c