May 23rd…1985….2:55 pm
There were two births at this exact time.
One…was my sweet, brown-eyed boy…Cody Brian! He came into the world 31 years ago this afternoon….and this is how the second birth happened…
I became a mother.
Let me add that I wasn’t ever one of those girls that planned her dream wedding…that knew how many kids she wanted and dreamed of a family. NO, this girl dreamed of New York and dancing….or possibly being a CPA….(what can I say? I like numbers! ) I never gave having kids a thought…or really thought I wanted kids…a husband…or a family. It was never something I thought about.
But God…..
He decided to allow me the beautiful joy of becoming a mother. I was only 17….but my “mommy heart” was born that day.
I can remember after delivering this beautiful boy….them wheeling me back to my room..and the doctor coming in. I remember thanking her for helping me bring him into the world. I was overwhelmed…but in a good way! I couldn’t imagine my world without him in it….
He brought so much joy and fulfillment into my life. I never knew….what I didn’t know.I never knew I’d want nothing more…than to be a mother…and want my “mommy heart” to continue to grow. From that point on….I only wanted to be a mom…and nothing else.
Cody was such a joy. He smiled ALL THE TIME! His big eyes and that big smile…with those chubby cheeks….he just knew how to melt my heart!
He continued to melt my heart for 11 years…while he was on this earth with me. He and I grew together. My “mommy heart” was his….and his heart was mine. He held a special place in that mommy heart…the one he set into motion.
It’s amazing to me….that I didn’t ever think I wanted to be a mom.
But God….
God knew….
Now….my “mommy heart” has grown by leaps and bounds! My “mommy heart” turns 31 today. Today…my “mommy heart” holds 5 biological children….2 Angel babies I never met…..and countless others that endearingly call me “Momma Cheli”! My “mommy heart” bursts with love!
Today though, as I celebrate the milestone of being a mommy for 31 years….my “mommy heart” is also broken. The hole that is there…having to celebrate this “birthday” of mine without the one who made me a mom….just hurts. It isn’t the first time I’ve celebrated without him..and it won’t be the last. But it’s amazing to me…that no matter how many I’ve had without his smile and his hugs here with me….just how hard it still is.
The man, that would be my son now….never was. NEVER. It’s on days like today…that it all comes swooping down and just…..hurts. To celebrate him….is easy. He loved big…he loved like Jesus. He wanted others to know the one who saved him! He was baptized on an Easter Sunday! So….I know…we’ll be together again.
I never wanted to live without the one who made me a mom…..I never imagined I could still live….without him.
But God….
God has walked by my side and strengthened me. He has shown me so much in the past 19 years…without my sweet ones. God has shown me the “bigger picture”. He has allowed me a glimpse into His Kingdom-mindedness. That my story…my comma….has mattered. By sharing…by continuing to love….I’ve been able to become “Momma Cheli”…..to so many. I’ve been priveliged to see…how my part….in His story….has changed lives. IS CHANGING LIVES!!!!
But God….
He knows my heart….and I think that…even though most days…I’m still so thankful for this life He has given me. He knows…on days like today….I’m just a momma…with a broken heart. Even though my “momma heart” has expanded and is ministering and loving so many….that one part of it….will only belong to Cody. and today….God understands….that Cody’s hole in my heart….hurts.
Cody, thank you for making me a mom. Thank you for allowing me to share your birthday. I can’t wait to celebrate with you…in eternity..and tell you just how truly thankful I am…that you helped me to birth my “mommy heart” that day. I’m so thankful for the smiles…the brown-eyed grins…the love and protection you gave so freely…and the way you helped me to grow. I love you….more than I can say. I miss you….my heart aches…and my arms hurt…wishing they could wrap around you…just one more time.
I wouldn’t be who I am today…had you not…unexpectedly…been brought into my life.
But God…..
God knew I needed you. I still do….always will.
So today…I’ll celebrate for both of us. Trying to not cry all day….but the tears…they are there.. My “mommy heart” loves you. So big…and forever. Until we can celebrate in worship together……
Always your momma “first”! ~mom
Wearing my blue today! #remembercody
My Life as a COMMA! 
Once a mother, always a mother. The feelings of motherhood are always present, whether a child has passed or is 30 years old. Though I’ve not lost a child the way you have, my heart grieves with you because I understand the “special place” each child creates/fills in a mother’s heart–and the emptiness and hurt and longing when the child is not there. May God hold you especially close on days like today.