Let’s just begin by saying I’ve been “in my head” almost this whole damn day. I knew it was coming….I thought I was prepared. But…it ended up being a double whammy.
Let me explain……
I’ve already made a social media post about it being National Bereaved Mother’s Day. How odd….really. We get our OWN Day. Not Mother’s Day – even though we ARE STILL MOTHERS! But a whole day. Before Mother’s Day. Like every.other.day of the year is any different. Like we don’t realize we are walking around without our child(ren) here with us. Or that we don’t realize Mother’s Day is coming ….. and again…it’s gonna hurt like hell.
NO – this is actually for a different reason.
Allow me to invite you into some parts of my brain. The crazy inside my head.
You see…today is the 59th birthday of someone who I once loved. Of someone……who is the reason I “celebrate” on days like today.
What an oxymoron. What a double edged sword. What a place where my two worlds collide. You see – as hard as Mother’s Day is for me….there are times….that Father’s Day is even worse. This…because….I chose who was to be their father. I chose the person who would take their young lives. And for this – I’ve owned way more than I should…at times.
But – it started with love. Love of a smile and personality. Young love. Some might say stupid, blind love. Some even say I should wish he were never born!! But how??? Because then…I would have never had my 3 boys! Cody, Cory and Caleb are here…because he was here first. I couldn’t imagine life without them…therefore…I also…cannot…imagine life without him. Without the love we had…at first.
I also own – my part in the deterioration of our marriage. Neither of us were perfect. Although – that is what most saw. The perception – because of the portrayal – was almost perfection. When we split – it was difficult. It was…unheard of. There were only a small number who knew my why. And I chose – to not share with the world. Believe it or not…..I wasn’t out there saying he was bad. We just didn’t fit…any more. Probably – we never did. But God was going to use us – even if – even if we weren’t meant to be together. Our lives were intertwined when I got pregnant with Cody at 16. From there….as I told my Sunday School girls so many times – God rewrote HIS plans…from plan A – to possibly ZZZ by then! He is good like that….and keeps on rewriting…and using my mess ups…for His good.
No – I am struggling today. I chose him. I chose the one. The one…who took them from me. I will own many things – but I will no longer own his final actions. Those – are on him. But I do struggle with the fact I chose him.
I didn’t know what I didn’t know. So many times – now – I want all the answers laid out in front of me before I will leap. But, my friends, that is not how life…or God…work. My faith…has been tested….and strengthened….over and over again.
My choices – led to even more heart-wrenching realizations through the years. From hearing about a pastor I finally – once opened up to – saying “I guess Cheli wasn’t lying all this time after all.” While standing in my parent’s kitchen on THE DAY the boys died!!! To now – still hearing about some thinking how I “Use my boys story for the attention”. Guys – it hurts. It all hurts.
I hurt today for the love lost….the family lost. His family…was mine…..until it wasn’t. I still remember all the birthdates….the memories are still there. I know it will never be the same. But today – I acknowledging….it hurts. It has hurt for a very long time.
I’m not a perfect person. Nobody is. But I’m pretty real. I’ve withdrawn…over and over…just trying to protect my heart. I’ve withdrawn to protect my children, my husband, my family. But sometimes…I just want to be real. It hurts. It stinks. I’ve lost more than just my boys. I lost my house…my safe spaces. I lost friends…and I’ve lost (and grieved) a whole lifetime of memories with people I considered my family.
I sit here – thinking again just how fragile life is. I have a wonderful family…wonderful friends….wonderful life. But – there is sometimes a draw to sit…be real with myself…and know this life never would have existed…..had I not chosen him. Had I not experienced loss…profound loss. I would not be who I am today…without all of it. Every.single.puzzle.piece. Every bit of it is necessary to make me…..me.
and I’m learning to like me. I like the mom of adult children. I like the friend of real people….who accept me as my crazy, freaking-real and always back-and-forth self. I like the life I’ve created with my family. I like the way I live on purpose. I like….no…I love my life. ALL OF IT.
Has it been easy? No. Would I do it again? I’d have to. It’s the only way possible to get to the me I am today. It’s the only way possible to spend time on this earth with all five of my kiddos. It’s the only way to experience them here so I can look forward to eternity with them there.
So – some day – most always – you will see me – and never know some of this…underneath it all…thought process…going on in my head. But today – I wanted to share. I hope you aren’t scared off. I hope you’re not…thinking she should be committed (although there are days……;))
All of this to say. Be yourself. Inside and out. Be real with who you are. Struggles and all. I struggle because I chose him. I struggle because his birthday is hard. I struggle because I miss some of the good times. I struggle because it’s hard to explain. I struggle because I am afraid having these feelings will hurt others I love today. I struggle because I’m always afraid I will never be enough. I struggle because I want to help more than I can. I struggle because I own more than I should. I struggle because I take too much on. I struggle because I love big…but then sometimes I don’t love big enough. I struggle because I don’t like to get it wrong.
But…
I also struggle because I’m so happy now…how can I be sad? I struggle now because I feel so loved and I sometimes don’t always know how to love the right way back. I struggle because life has been so good to me…yet I see others feel like it hasn’t been so good to them. I struggle now because my life seems easy to so many…am I hurting their faith by being too real?
See…depends on which side of the sword you fall. You choose. Remember that. Remember you choose where you land. I allow myself to see my struggles, my pain and my hardships….but I try…to always choose…to land in the land of love…abundance…and faith. God has carried my through so much. He has always had my back. He has stood in the room….with my boys….and carried them home with Him. He has watched me cry and always sent me some kind of sign of love…at JUST THE RIGHT TIME! He as shown my how by sharing…others have come to have hope…and to love Him. I’ve NEVER…been alone.
And…neither are you. Today is somebody’s birthday I once loved. today is a day for Mother’s who’s children no longer are here with them. Today is a day for feelings to be real. Today. Is just another day. and…tomorrow will still come. Which “head-space” will you be in when you wake up? Who will you choose to be today? Tomorrow? I choose to be the one who still loves….who still is real…and feels…ALL THE THINGS!
If you’ve made it this far…thank you. I’m not sure if any of this makes sense….or if I’ve just rambled. Just know…you are loved…and you aren’t alone.
Much love – today and always – ~C
My Life as a COMMA! 